She was meant to hold her baby that day, but life had other plans. Instead, now she holds space in her heart for the little ones she never got to meet. Her love is eternal, her grief is valid, and her strength is undeniable!
Today was the date we were looking forward to for three months. Today was the day that was love hearted in my mind on a calendar. Today I was meant to hold my new baby, to name them, to see their face, to hear their cry, to see theirs eyes open for the first time and to get to know them then start the new chapter.
I saw the two lines on my test and I had felt so incredibly excited… again. I knew my whole future had changed and I was ready for the adventure.
Seeing the heartbeat for the first time and being told it was “strong” was the most comforting news after already suffering one miscarriage in December.
We hadn’t got this far before. 12 weeks passed nicely, but then something felt wrong.
I will never forgot the moment we were told, “it’s not good news I’m afraid, there’s no heartbeat.” It is engrained into my mind. Followed by, “you miscarried almost 2 weeks ago.” How could this be? I was told the heartbeat was strong.
This is a missed miscarriage (your body doesn’t pick up on the loss and you still feel pregnant and have all the symptoms, even though you are not).
My whole world shattered in an instant and I have never known such a lonely pain. The pain of going home when there was nothing that could be done, with the baby still inside my tummy.
Then there’s the horrible thoughts like, the what ifs, the wondering of what I did wrong. The wondering about what other women have that I don’t. The thoughts of why don’t I deserve this. I have felt shame, guilt, blame, jealousy, sadness, shed a lot of tears and had a mix of negative emotions towards myself and my body.
The joy of pregnancy ripped away from me again. Never getting to hold my babies, to see their precious faces, to name them or carry out the plan I had vividly planned.
1 in 4 woman unfortunately suffer a miscarriage. 2% of woman experience two in a row. That is me.
To all the women that have experienced this loss and pain, I feel for you and please know you are not alone.
I can only hope for the best and cross my fingers for a rainbow after the storm.
But my angels, you will never be forgotten, for grief only exists where love first was 👼👼