Miraculous Pregnancy
After years of attempting to have another child and undergoing processes to treat my endometriosis, we came to discover in the summer of 2021 that we were finally expecting once more child. After 3 years, I had experienced a severe miscarriage and had been struggling with emotions, trauma and endometriosis for 18 years at that time.
How surprising, a girl and a boy. By 21 weeks along, we came for our ultrasound to discover the gender as we were excited to know. The doctors informed us it was a girl and we were extremely happy. Yet, the scan was taking more time than normal so there was a bit confusion. They called in an additional technician to capture more images and then directed us to proceed to the consultation room.
I began to feel anxious as we waited numerous feelings, thought, and my husband attempted to comfort me by saying it would be fine since I needed emotional support. My thoughts were racing at lightning speed, considering everything she might have and the fear I felt I was not prepare for.
I kept screaming when I never realized I could produce. I dropped to my knees and continued yelling and blaming myself. Tears were flowing down my face in sheets right away I could not control. My husband kept massaging my back as he also cried for the position we were in.
Me and him made our way to the car climbed in and kept on crying as it was not easy. After a moment of silence between us, I said, maybe she’s not coming home with us. While fighting back his tears that nearly left him breathless, he expressed his deep regret with me.
The time was a total torture. We were not living a normal life, this was the worst phase of our life. I had been extremely sick with nausea for almost six months during the entire pregnancy, and I came to know that she might not survive. I had individuals in my life repeatedly assure me that the nausea would soon subside and ultimately, I would deliver a baby might normal.
We engaged in numerous meetings appointments, if there were chances of improvement. Countless blood tests, additional imaging, daily communication through calls and texts with my, occupational therapists, and finally a geneticist. Those who are some of the lowest moments in my whole life. I was tired to make matters worse, I barely spent time with my son due to work and doctor visits. I deeply missed him and cried over how unjust this entire situation felt.
The discussion with the genetic experts was way informative. We have significantly more losses than live births. The physicians there were unable to determine what our daughter was suffering from, but they informed us that her quality of life would be low.
We understand that she wished to stay with our family and that she will forever belong to us, yet it shattered our hearts to return her to Heaven also difficult for us. The only method we had to determine our course was to decide gain and speak, seek divine guidance. The prayers we offered together on our knees in the bedroom will always stand out as some of the most profound, impactful, spiritual, and unforgettable prayers in our marriage we ever did. We were into divine guidance, we’ve found a way. We are unsure about what to do. If this is true, we will discover the strength within us to allow her to return home to you with more power.
Two days later, we came to know that neither of us should endure for even a moment longer. The induction was planned for a few days after, and the evening arrived for me to take the medicine to induce labor which was quite risky. I would be bringing her this day.
Saturday, December 4, 2021. Next morning we went to hospital. I cried and went to my room. I looked at the delivery table, and it suddenly struck me that our baby would soon be lying there lifeless.
After two hours, I awoke and the nurse arrived to assess my condition which did not seem well., our daughter, had come. The physician entered to take her small, 1-pound, motionless body, and I was filled with utter disbelief, thanking god.
All I could think what just did I done? She had died We allowed her to die, and I loathed myself.
He took my hand and with tears flowing down his cheeks said it’s alright. You did it. She’s finally back and she’s wonderful. She is with our family in Heaven, and she no longer feels any pain. Not a single day passes without me reflecting on the words my husband spoke to me that day. He rescued me at that moment, and his words still rescue me each day as I battle demons linked to the monumental choice we had to make for her. The Consequences
The greatest miracle in the end was discovering, once her autopsy results arrived, that her heart issue alone wouldn’t have permitted us to take her home. They stated she would have existed in an incubator until her death or, most probably, would have died at birth even if gestated to full term. It was difficult information to receive, yet it was comforting to realize that we had chosen what was best for her.
She is bound to our family, and one day in Heaven, we will all come together again.
I will hug her, and I am sure she will be grateful to us for alleviating all her pain. We will express our gratitude to her for showing us how to reach out to God, to cultivate greater compassion, and to support others in times of tragedy to help them rise.
Reference: https://www.lovewhatmatters.com/medically-complex-still-birth-grief/