After the tragic and unexpected loss of her husband to suicide, after 6 months, the grieving wife finally opens up about her trauma and heartbreak. In Angela’s heartfelt reflection on her current life, you’ll find the strength and hope to navigate through similar situations in life.
6 months of our new normal..a choice that was made for us!
I want to first start out and say that this post may be triggering for some. My intention is not to trigger you, however, to continue telling my story, feeling through my healing and sharing in hopes that our story will be a paving way for others that may go through something similar! The hand that my family has been dealt is unimaginable. And this will be one of the rawest post I make, so thank you for holding space for me.
We were having an ordinary day out of town with family celebrating my brother and sister-in law on their new bundle. An absolutely precious day!
We got home that afternoon and had an ordinary afternoon/evening. Until there was nothing ordinary anymore… choices that were made for me, for the kids. Choices that have ripple effected out onto others.
That night felt like an eternity, time was standing still.
My husband took his own life! His beautiful life! And as many of you are going to gasp at the thought of that happening and try to scratch the surface for answers. We will never know a ‘why’ or ‘what’. Trust me when I tell you that has been one of the most difficult layers for me and it plays in my mind every moment of everyday since he’s passed. He is gone and it hurts my heart into a million pieces every time the thought catches up to me!
I will never be able to unsee what I saw the night he died. Every time I hear a helicopter I think of it! A siren! Walk past the place he took his last breath! It’s like a gut wrenching punch to remind me that he’s gone. Really gone.
His choice has made me angry, sad, shook and the trauma we’ve been left with is a work in progress.
As I’ve been going through therapy, my brain has been trying to find an answer why. Why the things that happened that night happened. And as angry as I feel for what happened, I also find empathy for my sweet soul of a husband. It’s as if he dissociated from reality. At least that’s the conclusion my therapist and I have come to, everything that transpired the night Eric passed, were so out of character.
It’s not just been about grief. There are so many layers I am healing through and I thank God everyday for my parents, my family, my beautiful friends and a lot of strangers that have rallied around us. I am cloaked in God’s strength and grace.
This post has been coming for a while. But as I shared in therapy. I haven’t wanted to share…sharing this makes it more real, more finite! He’s gone. Sharing this is another piece of my healing and in my healing it’s as if I’m afraid I’ll forgot him. Even though my heart and my mind tell me no, that could never be true. He is so entwined in me and the life that we built.
That day we lost him physically, but my goodness, I know he has stayed close in spirit! And I am thankful for that! One more hug, one more I love you! One more touch, one more kiss, one more good laugh! All things I wish had more time for!
He is deeply missed. Last week I had a couple really bad days, the worst in a while. Grief is this wave and it’s as if you get sucked into the undertow and you don’t know when you’ll be able to come back up. One morning you wake and it’s a good day again. I have been embracing all of it, the good and the bad. Because I know I have to!
I love you and miss you