Ten years have passed, yet your memory lives in every quiet morning and family moment.
This is my heart laid bare a tribute, a conversation, a reflection of love and loss.
From the hospital goodbye to the milestones you missed, I carry you in everything.
I hope you and Mom are watching. I love you, and I miss you more than words can say.
So, this post will start today, and the next day will arrive as I’m still writing it.
This post is long, and this post isn’t meant for anybody, mainly just for me.
Each year on my dad’s death I have a conversation with him, privately. This year it’s a little different…. dad passed away 10 years ago today.
A lot has happened over 10 years, sometimes it feels like an Eternity and others it feels like yesterday. One of the things I found myself doing a lot unknowingly was spending the early morning hours with you in the kitchen either eating something for breakfast that mom was cooking up or snacking along with you on some oatmeal cookies or apple fritters…
the tv would always be on, watching the news and checking the weather. planning out the day…
You used to always keep up to the minute on what was going on, who won the games, esp. march madness. what country was fighting against who or what was congress and the president up too? sometimes If I got up a little extra early to use the bathroom or smoke or whatever id catch you reading your bible before the news started and sometimes you may be playing solitaire. you always had water on the stove ready to make mom a cup of coffee for when she got up. we always looked forward to her making breakfast so we could start our day right. toast and gravy this morning? Sauage, eggs, cream of wheat? who knew? we only knew that whatever it was it was going to be good.
Many of times we would have deep conversations in the mornings or maybe just joking around at whatever the hot news topic of the day was. It’s those simple moments that make me think…what would you think about the events over the past 10 years? first i guess I should mention the Boston marathon bombings…which has some significance, but i’ll circle back to that later. Ebola virus hit, the embargo on cuba was lifted, robin williams died, a new terrorist group called ISIS rampaged through the middle east doing unspeakable horrors, close to home a boy went into a church in charleston and killed a bunch of people, same sex marriage was made legal, Barrack finished his second term and the millionaire celebrity donald trump was elected president and after him was barracks vice president joe biden, the united kingdom left the europeon union, countless police violence and mass shootings some inside schools and churchs, possible election fraud and hacking, terrorist attacks all over, protests all over, pipe bombs being mailed to government people, bad fires in california and australia, notre dame cathedral burnt down, north korea has nuclear weapons, UFOs are comfirmed by the government, riots at the capital, US pulls out of afganistan, Crypto currency explodes, queen elizabeth died, bill Cosby convicted of sex crimes and so much more…
Coronavirus happened and had everyone under lockdown with business’s closed and everybody wearing masks and shortages on basics such as toliet paper. james avery died, johnathan winters, bb king, muhammad ali, gene wilder, george kennedy, burt reynolds, aretha franklin, alex trebek, kenny rogers, little richard, betty white, john madden, donald rumsfield, leonard nimoy, larry king, sidney portier, Angela Lansbury….just some you knew and kinda kept up with.
closer to home marcella Snyder, Ray Hayes, Paula swisher, Aunt Goldie, Clyde bone, so many others…..and Mom.
So here we are…not where I’d like to be but here, nonetheless.
you called me late April 9th and asked if I could come over because you weren’t feeling too good. when I got there you certainly were feeling bad and after some discussion, we got the ambulance to come and get you and take you to Carolinas. they had you in the ER and after doing tests and stuff, said that they were going to keep you and put you into a regular room upstairs 7th floor I believe. you were tired and falling asleep over and over again, me and mom were wiped out too. You told us to go home and get some sleep and come and see you in the morning, we agreed. I took mom home and went home myself waking up I was supposed to go get mom and come and see you but decided to stop by the hospital on the way to get her to see how you were doing, i rode the elevator and stopped by the nurses station on that floor to see what room you were in. they didn’t have you on their floor and told me you went to the cardiac floor. I arrived to find you laying in bed trying to watch tv and you told me you weren’t doing too good and the nurse confirmed that you certainly weren’t faring well.
You asked about mom and asked me to wait to get her. you had me call Waterhouse and others because you were concerned about life support and breathing tubes and how would the church look at it, how would God look at it. should you or shouldn’t you. your oxygen was plummeting, your heart rate was through the roof but your blood pressure was low. you sent me out multiple times to make those phone calls because I couldn’t use my phone anywhere near the ward. some people answered, some people didn’t, but I was always chasing an answer for you. in and out of the room, worried. I called mom because I was sure she was worried because I hadn’t showed up yet and i had that discussion with her about what she thought youd want done. it was at this time as i was staring out of the window into the parking lot talking to mom i noticed in the reflection a nurse walked up behind me urgently and told me that you had as they say flatlined, and that they were trying to do cpr and revive you. we rushed toward your room and she told me I had to make a choice do they do a breathing tube, life support etc…
As i rounded that doorway and saw what could have been 20 people in there trying to get you back, she looked at me and asked what would he want? and in that second no matter how hard I didn’t want to say it, I told them to stop.
And they did. April 10th, 10 years ago. I don’t know how I decided, talking with mom and letting her know things were going bad, seeing your reactions to what procedures they wanted to do, I made the one of the hardest choices in my life. afterwards that nurse told me I made the right choice. she said you told another nurse you didn’t want any resuscitation. I dwelled on that phrase “right choice” for a very long time. I don’t see how with its meaning it could have been a right choice. I never got to tell you goodbye.
I spent our last hours together chasing the answers you wanted from the church, the minister, the deacons, your faith…which at the last moments were a concern to you. Your faith and wanting to be true in Gods eyes was unwavering.
I called mitch first, and Lyndsey met me to go to inform mom. she was waiting at the door and as soon as I got out of the car, she knew. we took some time to get ourselves together and we came to visit you. we talked, we laughed, and we cried. we said goodbye.
Fate would deal an odd hand that evening, for Lyndsey had a dear friend, an old boyfriend named Richard who sadly would also pass away the very same day as you 10 years ago. I knew him, I met him, I laughed with him and he was a great guy. For you guys were intertwined more than you could ever know.
Layton Anderson funeral home down from the house was who was doing your service. They came to get you from the hospital and Richard too. For you both were perfect strangers together but unknowningly linked to both lyndsey and me. You would have your funerals on the same day at the same place. strangers, but not to us.
We had the service on April 13th, mrs. Rigdon played piano for you, mr. Waterhouse gave your eulogy here. All the members of church were there, Mr. Bone was there. a few people from the neighborhood were there, your family was there. We flew you to Ohio like you wanted and you were buried on april 15th at moms families cemetery winchester gardens. you had a graveside service, lyle welty gave your eulogy, a lot of family were there, distant relatives were there, a lot of friends and church members were there. After your service we heard all over the radio that there was a bombing at the boston marathon. My birthday was the next day.
Mom was lost without you, shook to the core. We all were. It didn’t seem real; it was a reality we didn’t ask for but had to endure. so many times, I would wonder the what ifs, id yearn to ask the questions and advice you’d give but were unable too. I tried to keep my promise to you in the hospital and hope I did right by you. i tried to help her and honestly, I don’t know how much of a help I was. I placed the items that you asked, I spoke to her the words you said. I tried to relay to her just how much you loved her, and that I do know she understood.
It never gets easier, the pain never goes away, it’s always there. you try to remember the good times and the smiles; the laughs and you prepare yourself for the sadness and pain that lingers and raises its head sometimes without warning. You make sure that the good always outweighs the bad.
Now over the next 10 years it would see mom move into an apartment, mitch would have a horrible car accident and recover, Sebastian would enter school and grow like a weed as he is almost as tall as me now, Emily would get married, pooh would get married and have a couple kids, I started work at hobby lobby and have been there almost 10 years now, a lot of good things. way too many to speak. Aunt Goldie and Paula and Ray would sadly pass.
Mitch is now living in Kentucky not far from Craig. He is doing good for himself and has overcome a whole lot in his life. Mom would have an apartment fire which thankfully she wasn’t hurt in, and a lot of people helped her, and she even ended up on the news.
Now about mom, mom passed away Feb. 1st, 2019. She ended up having kidney failure which I guess was the root cause to a lot of other issues in just a couple day’s time. Mitch and I did what we could for her in those final days, Lyndsey was there with me when she passed. A lot of church members and others helped her after your passing she continued to attend church as much as she could, she got a new hearing aid and had cataract surgery, she would often marvel at all the sounds she didnt know she missed out on, something simple like the sound of your car tires on the road as you would drive. she ended up using a walker and had balance issues and honestly i believe some early dementia. she went to visit goldie and got to ride in robbies hotrod. she had alot to overcome, but she fought and fought the whole time. her toxins built up in her blood after her kidneys failed and sometimes she would talk like normal and next second she would be as she out it, out of her head. they had hit a limit with the medicine they were giving her to try and help and it got to the point where her body had to try it on its own, and she fought for as long as she could. Her last words would be, “come on everybody let’s go lay down, it’s time to laydown now, let’s go lay down” she looked over toward the curtain covering the doorway and she seemed at peace, as she was looking you could tell she saw something, it was undeniable, you could see it in her face, I like to think it was you.
Mom also would have her funeral down here at layton anderson, she had alot of people there, church members and friends. I spoke at her funeral, as did mitch when we had her service in Ohio, she is buried next to you there.
Sebastian made good friends with grandma; they were buddies. he misses both of you a lot. he asks about you quite often, and I try to show him pictures and I tell him a lot about you, and I try to follow your example as a dad, but I tend to fail a lot. you would be proud of him, he’s a smart little guy you used to say, and your right…he is smart and sometimes it’s very scarry. Hes got a good heart, and he makes us proud and also a little frustrated at times as I’m sure I did my fair share to you.
youd be amazed at the technology we have now adays, ive been messing with 3d printers and scanners and I can only imagine what Youd think about them. flat screen tvs are the norm now and while Facebook is still around things like AOL aren’t. You and mom still have a Facebook page, I check in on it every great once in a while, people wish you guys happy birthday and post thoughts and memories of you…
There is so much more I could write to you, a lot I have already spoken to you about, and some of this is a repeat but after 5 hours and a lot of tears I just wanted to say I miss you. sometimes ill see somebody in the store from behind and my heart will skip because they look just like you. you have invaded my dreams sometimes and a lot of times i have a question for you or want your advice, something simple like family history and I really miss those opportunities. me and mitch did go to dill cemetery and sadly all the graves are gone, grandmas, grandpas and all the others. the cemetery wasn’t kept up, that part of it anyway and with landslides and such the graves and markers are now gone….
I just wish you were still here to joke with and snicker with, listen to more of your stories, share a beer with and a burnt hotdog. We all do really miss you and mom too. A lot of things I didn’t understand before, I do now as I have gotten older. A lot of the reasonings I have now reconciled by being a dad and I’m glad you were my dad, the values you taught me and the love and care you showed is unforgettable…. I’ll see you guys again soon, I love you dad and miss you more than you will ever know.