After losing her baby in her first pregnancy, the woman expressed that having firm faith in God gave her strength emotionally and physically. From the first silent heartbreak at the clinic to having the longest walk home, she faced the unthinkable.
As you know, I recently miscarried, and the thing is, no one prepared me for that kind of pain.
I think I was 16 back then when I first watched a miscarriage scene on our little TV with my parents. As a teenager, I cannot fully comprehend what happened or why the protagonist’s baby died; I just know in my heart that that must’ve been so painful—to let go of your baby even before holding it. So I made a quick prayer and asked God not to let me experience that kind of pain, specifically that pain.
But I clearly remember the day my OB told me that they could not find any heartbeat on my tummy. She told me to wait for another week, I’m at 6 weeks that time. So we waited. After another week, there were still no signs of life. We waited again until we reached two weeks of waiting. As I waited for my turn, I saw the nurses quickly move to finish all the other mothers. And they also asked me if I could call my husband, who was waiting downstairs.
I called him, unsure of what to do, but I peeked and saw them put a box of tissues beside my OB’s table. I began feeling heavy. Deep down, I was praying and talking to God. I told him, “God, remember that prayer I had when I was 16, right?” But there was no reply, only this feeling of “I will carry you no matter what” without any words.
Then our turn came, and my OB started explaining that I had an anembryonic pregnancy. It happens when an early embryo never develops or stops developing, is resorbed, and leaves an empty gestational sac.
“This is not your fault. This is completely chromosomal abnormalities.” That’s what she said, but I was holding myself back from tears, so I couldn’t fully grasp what she was saying.
She also informed us of ways to release the sac from my body. I just nodded, thanked her, and left with my husband.
On our way home, my mind still couldn’t grasp what had happened. While walking, I suddenly smelled a flower. It was so good that my tears suddenly burst out. That was the longest walk back home. My husband and I cried and cried until we reached our apartment.
I remembered staying in bed with my husband for an hour or two while crying so much. It was too painful for us. After two days, we checked in at the hospital for the D&C. When my operation was a success, I was asked to stay for a day for observation. The next day, while I waited outside near the nurses’ station, a woman asked me about my baby. She asked if we were already going home. I know she will be shocked, but I don’t want her to feel bad; after all, we are in one of the most well-known birthing hospitals, so I simply told her I miscarried. She said sorry and left immediately.
Reality started sinking in more. And the next couple weeks are really the worst for us. I had to take maternity leave from work and rest. Family and friends have been supportive, and we are really grateful for that. But there’s just really this grief that’s in my heart, and every now and then, I still feel the pain like it just happened yesterday.
By God’s grace, it has been 64 days since then. We are now in a much better place and continuing our life. Here are the few questions I get though from family and friends:
Am I mad at God?
Honestly, no.
I may question His ways, but I believe He has higher plans and reasons beyond my comprehension.
Does that mean God did not answer my prayer when I was 16?
Well, yes. He did no answer in the way that I wanted. He allowed me to experience that miscarriage kind of pain, but it doesn’t mean He is a bad God. I believe it’s because He knows that He deposited so much faith and testimonies of His faithfulness in my heart that He is confident to let me go through this. He knows I won’t deny Him, even on the times His ways doesn’t make sense.
I believe God strengthened me to go through that time of my life. I may not fully understand why, but I trust His character and ways. I know that my God knows what He is doing, and that He is good no matter what.
Am I scared to be pregnant again?
Sometimes I feel like I do, but sometimes I feel like I’m not. So I guess we will continue to pray for that.
To all the mothers out there, even those who were “almost” moms, shout out for being strong and courageous. God saw all your tears, and I believe our rainbow babies will come too. 
PS. I waited for this day, the day I can finally write my story down, so sorry if it’s too long. I know I’m really healing better because of this.
If you also know someone who recently miscarried, please hug them, grieve with them when needed, and pray for them. They deserve some love.